I went on strike last year, swearing off Cosmo due the explosively bad effect it had on my body image and biological clock issues. But somehow a subscription found its way to my door -- thank you Blockbuster free magazine deal at sign up. So, I read it every now and then. It has some good shopping tips, up to date make-up stuff, celebrity gossip and then I'm just flipping through a little... and Kate Hudson is giggling about being divorced and her shoes are so glam! And, ooh I wanna know How to Be Just Bitchy Enough so I keep flipping, and suddenly -- shame spiral. Then one day I walk into my living room and S goes, "Hey! That new issue of Cosmo is crazy! Some really interesting articles." Apparently, placing the magazine in tantalizing, easy to reach places (read: bathroom), led S, D and R to have some needed to be heard guys' perspectives on the articles in the issue. What ensued over the course of the next couple hours was hilariously honest discourse about the truthiness of the magazine, and since then, every new issue will usually spring up another similar discussion.
S thinks the articles are fascinating studies of the female psyche. D and R think they're absolute horse crap and the magazine should be burned, but that it still provides some insight into general girl-thought strangeness. I always ended up understanding the most when I acknowledged the disjunct between thinking logically (them), and thinking so hard that you're trying to think logically but end up thinking stupidly (me + Cosmo). They've taught me to read the magazine with a skeptical, yet non-chalant, eye. Everything is a joke, and while there may be a hint of truth buried in the articles, sort the facts from the extrapolated and suggestive theories. Better yet, pretend Maxim made a spoof of itself and the spoof now has a circulation of 2.9 million readers. Simple enough as a concept, yes. But comprehending the idea fully that the "woman's sex bible" was total horse crap after reading it throughout my formative years, was like prying my hands off the world's last bowl of Udon.
Our most gratifying moments usually revolve around debating the "what he really means when he crosses his arms, scratches his armpit, blinks, sneezes, or breathes" section. The gist is usually:
See: These are kind of right! C'mon. (Reading) He's Oddly Distracted -- it means he's so embarassed about something, or maybe totally hungover, or maybe told a friend of yours a secret, or maybe he lost your cat, or maybe...uh...
R: He killed your sister and forgot to tell you that he did that and then he ate your dog. This is ridiculous.
See: So it's a little out there. But I've seen a lot of guys do that stuff. I mean a LOT. D used to do that stuff when we first started dating!
D: Yeah, remember how well that worked out. "You blinked hard! What are you hiding that you don't feel you can be honest with me?!" Now, we talk.
See: Hm...
S: It's just a quick and flawed way to simplify guys. These are just insecurities from the early months of dating played way up. It's all so individual. Once you get to know your partner, you can discuss what's going on.
See: But... that's not the fun part! You guys have officially made being psychotic and over-analytical totally lame.
I take it back, mostly reading Cosmo with my roommates and D is like the embarassing wake up call all of my girlfriends and I never wanted during round robin discussions of "the undecipherable boy codes." There's significant value in understanding real men. But what's the fun in it if you can't idealize, sexualize and demonize them for at least a little bit? Right, right, balance between the two parts. Fun and logic -- like Battleship or Monopoly! So there you have it, four years at a women's college + one year of living with guys = objective perspective on men. Until I read a Cosmo. Or see a guy talking to a girl while raising his eyebrows and scratching his nose because did you know that means he's totally lying to you about like, everything?
1 comment:
My feelings on Cosmo have developed slightly. I still think it's crappy, but I also think it's an intensely well-designed crap delivery system, kind of like Liam Neeson's "Taken." Studying it doesn't give guys insight into the female mind, but it does give guys insight into what the female mind secretly worries that it's becoming.
So everyone's right!
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